8. Ataraxia

Ataraxia

So here we are in August, it has been a hot couple of weeks, sleepless nights and lazy days.

This month is bringing on a real change in my thinking; I am taking energy from where I find it, most of all- I am listening to myself! 
To say that I need to tidy and decorate my house [albeit true] is ridiculous. It is true that I get virtually no time to myself. The reason is work. 

So, I am going to jack the job in and get something else that will give me a little more time, valuable time for me to be doing what I should be doing...rather than thinking or talking about it.

I am looking for any crappy old job, something where I don’t have to think much [or do much!]. I can conserve energy for the weekends, and really get things moving.

I have also started to catalogue my ‘stuff’ for sale. I think I know the few items that I will be unable to part with, but the rest is just stuff, trappings if you like, things that weigh me down, and things that do not and will not enrich my life in any way. So, out it goes.....

The job will go, the stuff will go..allowing the thoughts to grow. If I am to make this happen, I need to get active and do something about it. So, the next few months should see me in a new job, decorating and making firmer plans.

Hard work but rewarding, as I will be aiming for something, working towards something- and heading towards freedom with each step. 
I see people all around me who are stuck. They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk... I desperately do not want to be one of them. My life is all about moving forwards, and to not do that would suffocate my soul. 

I hear people saying that they hate to conform, well don’t then! 

I hear people saying they want more than what their current situation offers them, well move on then, make it happen.

I believe your present circumstances are the result of your past thinking and your future will be the result of what you are thinking now. Your thoughts have to be higher than your present circumstances for you to rise higher. Constantly tell yourself what you are striving for. If you do this, your behaviours and mental images will harmonize with those thoughts and take you closer to your goal. I now visualise a better life for myself. This will be a life that I create for myself, if I'm unhappy with anything that I create for myself- I will change it.

I am slowly realising life is as simple as we want to make it. I should’ve learnt this years ago, but better late than never. Onwards and upwards, pushing towards something new and exciting, something that I actually WANT!!!!

Thoughts from within;

WAKE UP! By now you have noticed the manipulation and bias within the media. You've watched as your government has sold you down the river. Corporations have buried their money into your politics and now influence the decisions of your government. The banks continue to grow more ruthless and unethical in practice. All in the name of profit. Your future, your children’s future...it means nothing to them. The only desired outcome is maximum profit, obtained with the least possible expense.  And whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you already know this.

Is this what it has come to? A price-tag on life? A world coursing with greed, intoxicated on monetary gain and material conquest?  Why have we allowed this?

The world around us has been manipulated, coerced in a direction where human life is outweighed by profit.  Corporations and bankers now influence the policies, regulations, and even the decisions made by our own governments who have sold us down the river. They took our dreams, our futures. They took them from you, from all of us. And in their own arrogant, condescending fashion they expect you to roll over and accept it. 

They pass into law further restrictions on your personal rights and freedoms. They want to shut you up! Keep you quiet! Keep you alone and all of us divided.  Marketing has you chasing an image, telling you what you need to do, what to think and say...how to feel, how to dress...how to be you. Who are you? Do you even know? Can you honestly tell me that you are happy with life as it is defined for you? Open your eyes! It's all out there in front of you. Stop trusting these crooked politicians. They don’t care about you! The will of the people is not a profitable investment.

All the while you chase the dream life they created for you, waving it in front of your face like a carrot on a stick. Stop it! Stop being guided through life! We need to quit letting the decisions of a few control the lives of the many. We need to take our future, our children’s future...back into our hands.

When did we become so careless?

So reckless, apathetic and submissive?

When did we lose our connection with others, with community and family?

Stop focusing on our differences and start acknowledging and building upon our common grounds. Start sharing, connecting, teaching one another and learning from each other as well. Build our bond as human beings. Find your strength in unity. Find your voice...and then let it be heard. Because, my friends...what you have to say does matter.  We just need to get off our knees, stand on our own two feet, and remind them just how much we do matter!

Become the change that you want to see. Build the future together!  A decent future.  A future where life is cherished, rather than spent worshipping money. Where justice, fairness and liberty is doctrine. A world invested in education, ingenuity and creativity rather than war and conquest.

Rid yourself of your cynicism, your ego, your fear. Instead open your hearts, your minds and your eyes. Broaden your horizons. Respect others for their own opinions, just as you can expect the same in return. It's time to change our ways. To evolve and break free of this vicious cycle.  It’s time to educate ourselves on the issues affecting us and to work together to create progressive, effective solutions. 

Welcome to the future.

Create your OWN future and stop swallowing what society tells you think.

I didn't create this society, it is not of my making and not a part of me. People need to wake up, open up, and create THEIR own lives and way of living. Maybe this will help, if just ONE person follows this [although I am fairly certain that YOU [the person reading this] is not strong enough or simply not interested enough].

1, Get rid of your TV. Never watch this brain washing shit... EVER!

2, Never buy newspapers.

3, Don't vote, it only encourages them.

4, Believe nothing.

5, Look into creating a better life for yourself.

6, Try to live off grid and consume less.

7, Stop trusting the government, banks, the media and large corporations.

8, Go self employed and lie on your tax returns, don't pay tax.

9, Simplify your life, get rid of the trappings and bullshit.

10, Stop believing you show your love at xmas and birthdays by giving shops your money.

Peace -x- 

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2nd Aug 2013... and so the shift begins...

7. Money

OK, I have had the house valued. I could get what I had thought, so no surprises there.

I am not ready to sell as yet...but this is another step in the right direction.

It seems, that I will have to carry on working for possibly 2 more years when/if I sell the house and buy a Motorhome. Once I sell the house, pay the fees, pay off my debts and purchase the Motorhome, I won't have a great deal left. However, I do have quite a lot of stuff to sell, which I might be able to make around a grand or so. Once in the Motorhome, I will have no council tax, water rates, gas or electricity to worry about.

I have also now told all those that really matter in my life what I intend to do. Some of them think I am a little crazy [they are right], but I think they all understand. I have never fitted into this life, after many years of trying. I think those that truly understand me probably expected me to do something a little different from what everyone else does.

My next step is to decorate each room, that will be in September. I also need to tidy the garden and complete a few small jobs.
I have very little money though, and need new tyres on my car, plus the MOT and tax are due in December. But I shall keep plodding on, crossing things off my mental list...

Anyway, today has been another small step forwards. -x-

As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul. The future is not something we enter. The future is something we create.

***********************************************
THOUGHTS FROM THE INSIDE:

What is it with me and work, that I seem to bring out the bullshit from bosses?

I may be a bit of a ‘maverick’, I suppose. But I am OK, a decent person, reasonably intelligent, someone who picks things up easily and someone who tries his best.

Yet, over the years, I have had to deal with all kinds of ‘official’ crap from various jobs, including being given all manner of verbal warnings, written warnings, letters of conversations, suspension, investigations, even being sacked! I have had loads of final warnings about my conduct etc....

So, is it me? Is it them, or simply that I don’t [and can’t] fit into their little sad robot ways? I admit that I find it difficult to conform- does that make me a bad person?

I can be outspoken and I can disagree at times, but on the whole, I believe that I always try to do a good job. So my thought today is maybe I don’t! Maybe I am a right pain in their arse?

I am not one to bow down to authority, and I freely admit that a job [any job] is just a temporary nuisance in my life, a necessary evil.

I am always looking for an alternative to working for a living, prostituting myself and being a slave to the wage... maybe I somehow show this side of me, without knowing?

It is all bullshit. Being dragged into the office for yet another bollocking, it is water off a ducks back to me. Why do they bother? Many have tried to tame me over the years. Yet I still firmly believe that I do a good job, when they leave the bullshit, formality and authority out of the work place.

We share the same sun and sleep under the same moon. Lets stop trying to be better than each other. Peace -x-

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6, Trapped

One day you will wake up and there wont be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Don't die wondering!

Still thinking it all through, and slowly becoming more and more disillusioned with this life that I/we have created.
We are told, and it is instilled within us from a very early age that the ONLY way to live your life is to work hard, pay bills and taxes, get into huge amounts of debt, buy a house, struggle on quietly, survive rather than live your life, work even longer hours, don't go against the grain, be a good boy, don't complain, live as everyone else does ....and we do!
We struggle on and save a few quid, so that once a year we might escape the drudgery of our existence  and have a little holiday. But I am thinking, why don't we create a life for ourselves that we don't want to escape from?

We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love. We are here to follow our bliss, seek happiness and enjoy our short lives... and then we return home.

We are the only animals that pay to live on earth! And don't we fucking pay, over and over again. Everything goes up, food, bills, car tax...and we quietly complain, then tighten our belts a little more, to pay the government even more of what WE have earned. There will come a time when each of us simply says no more- there is nothing more that I can give. Then what? Cast aside probably.
We watch politicians and the royal family sitting on piles of cash, we get fleeced by the utilities companies, petrol is a known rip off, as is council tax, car tax etc. Big businesses are getting even bigger and more and more greedy, everything is geared up to fleece us of our hard earned money.
The world is clearly divided into the two halves of those that have it all, and those that have very little. Those that have it all want [and take] even more, the greedy fucking bastards!

But what am I complaining about? I am [currently] choosing this life, and it is a conscious choice that we have all made. There are alternatives out there, if we choose to explore them. It is and should be up to US how we live, and going against the grain is nothing to feel ashamed about.
Living off grid is a cleaner way of living, the wind and sun can provide our power...and I would LOVE to show a big middle finger to the gas and electricity companies!

Like I say, we THINK this is the only way for us to live, maybe it isn't. In the United States, many people are turning against all this bollocks, and living full-time in their RV's. To pay no mortgage, no Electricity and live a simpler life really appeals to me, I often dream of being able to travel around Wales, Cornwall, Scotland and wherever the wind blows me -Why is this just a dream?

An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.

But that isn't everything. Sometimes, I imagine what is really important to me, what I would like to be doing, where I see myself and the role that I play in society....and they all have NOTHING to do with the way I am currently trying to live survive.

People often frown upon those who don't conform, those who are not living exactly the same as themselves, and [in the past] New Age Travellers have had a lot of negative press and lies spread about them. Now, instead of grouping up and frightening the life out of some poor village folk, they travel [mostly] alone, soaking up the scenery and living a peaceful life, and more and more people are coming around to this way of thinking/living. I have never had much interest in trying to conform, and seeing what is happening with us being robbed and lied to by the politicians, I want to conform to THEIR way of life even less!

Right now, like many, My days are being shattered by the alarm clock. I am up against time most of the day, as I run myself ragged being a slave to the wage. I charge off to work, when I get there the mental countdown begins, as I simply want to be somewhere else! What are we doing???
Is this the reason so many men go on a mid-life crisis, are they sick of the world that they have created?
Finally, when my working day is over, I come home too knackered to enjoy an evening, or even tidy my house properly!

We work hard, buy a house...then feel TRAPPED in this box. We fill it with all kinds of pointless shit, maybe trying to escape the mundane bullshit of 'life' that we have allowed ourselves to fall into. The more crap we have, the more we want.

I'm sure some people are more than happy to go off to work every day, and to sit at home every evening. After all, that is how they see others live- so why seek something more?
But, for me, it isn't working. I feel life ticking by, there is so much beauty out there, so many nice places, experiences that I am missing out on, mini adventures and most of all, I am not allowing myself the time to enjoy all of these things, or even to see my country!
We have created this fast paced life, and now, at 50 years old, I want to see and experience many things. I have experienced working, paying a mortgage, being in debt, feeling knackered and watching life race by me. It hasn't made me happy to experience these things. Life is about many things, happiness has to be a major reason that we are here, doesn't it?
If we are not happy, we need to take a long look at the life we have created around us, and move on to something else.
We are creatures of habit, and can so easily fall into a trap of living a reasonable life, even a mundane or boring life. But that isn't being fair on ourselves. My soul is craving something else, something magical that I could never get living the way that I currently do.

My hope is that one day if/when we wake up, we will realise that life is not working out how we thought it might. Think back to your parents, they probably struggled on all of their lives, maybe working two jobs or doing overtime, just to get by. They did not become rich by working and suffering the way they did, they lived like this simply to have a roof over their heads and a little food on the table. Moving on, we do the same...learning nothing from our parents. In time, we realise that we work for getting on for 50 years, and have a roof over our heads and a little food on the table. We are in the same place our parents were, all those years back. So what do we do about it... nothing! We then tell our children to do well in school, get a job and buy a house, then work hard forever more! This circle of crap goes on and on, and the only people that it really benefits is the government, who want to keep this cycle of living to continue forever.

Imagine if my days consisted of waking when I have had enough sleep, listening to the birds singing. Having a nice slow pot of coffee, and allowing myself to naturally ease into the day. Imagine having the time to watch a bee on a flower, meditate next to a babbling stream, watch the clouds drift by. Enjoy a stroll or maybe take an afternoon nap. Enjoy watching the sunset, as there is no rush to be out of bed the following morning.
I imagine seeing as many sunsets/rises as possible. I imagine living a quiet, stress free and peaceful life, seeing my country, and having the time to enjoy the experiences along the way. I imagine living my life.

This will be a big step for me, which is why I am taking the time to really consider my next steps. If I make a mistake, there may be no way back. On the other hand, what is there to come back to? Once again...why don't we create a life for ourselves that we don't want to escape from?

So, it is the middle of May 2013. I am not going to push myself into anything, and set silly targets like selling the house by this date, sorting out a Motorhome by that date...it will all come in time.
But, I do have a mental list, which includes tidying and decorating my house, having it valued, selling my stuff etc etc...it is a long [and daunting] list, if I am honest. Right now, I have very little energy, time or money to move these thoughts into actions.

So, I know how I DON'T want to live.............................

 FREE

I was always my own person

a hippy, some might say
party after party
I liked it that way.
I walked on the edge
of life’s simple path
I didn’t want it to change
wanted all that love to last.
I listened to Trance
and Pink Floyd too
and my eyes opened up
to a life that was so new.
Love was the answer
and peace was my goal
I never seemed to fit
in a conformist role.
Sadly life changes
I feel I lost my way
I miss all the travellers
from my festival days.
Now I feel tied down
to a life so humdrum
It makes me want to scream
and get up and run.
I wanna go back to the day
when love danced in my head
when all I felt was free
and the grass was my bed.

                              Bry Ishi Fox

One day you will wake up and there wont be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Don't die wondering!
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5, Other Ideas

I have been trying to think of other ideas, I have considered selling up, and buying a mobile home on a park. They are quite costly these days to buy, but I would be mortgage free [or there abouts!]. I would still need to work, and probably be just as skint as I currently am.
If I was to do this, I wouldn't live anywhere near to where I am right now, which would mean a change of job, getting to know a new area, and kitting it out in my own style etc.
But, I could simply end up as I am, just in another place. I would have to keep the car, for visiting family and friends...  and what if I didn't like the area or the neighbours after a time? That 'stuck' feeling would just follow me about, as it has for years.

A house boat would be nice, but that comes with its own problems. Again, they are expensive.

A caravan and something to pull it also appeals to me. But to go shopping, visiting or to work would leave the caravan at the mercy of any dickhead that passes by.

So, still thinking all of this through. I like the look and the idea of a Motorhome.

I would need to get my house valued properly, before I made any decision. Then I would need to sell a lot of my stuff, and start thinking what I NEED to take, rather than what I WANT to take.
I would also need somewhere to park it whilst I save some cash, and that would give me the time to kit it out with a burner etc.

At the moment this all sounds too much hassle, but also very exciting!!!!!!!!!

Well, so far, the few people [about half a dozen] that I have told about my potential plans, seem to think that its a good idea. Most say 'go for it'.
I think there is a bit of a nomadic traveller streak in all of us really. I have been classed as a 'Hippy' forever, so the life of a new age traveller really appeals to me. I can see myself being happy living this new life, and life really should be all about happiness, shouldn't it?

Today, I have been doing a little research, looking at park-ups, thinking about Motorhomes and the lay out that would work for me. I have watched a few videos about living off grid, doing washing, cooking etc. I have even been working out what it is likely to cost me to buy a Motorhome, kit it out as I require it, and even worked out the likely yearly cost, if I am to pursue this travelling life.
The more I think of it, the more real it becomes!!

I think, when I have the time and energy, I will spend the weekends tidying and decorating my house, then I shall be ready to have it valued...then make a firm decision.

                                                                                                                                                                     

                    Wherever you go - go with all your heart.                                                                          Peace -x-

4, Thoughts...

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3, Thinking...

So, what are these momentous decisions that I need to think about?

Well, it is actually quite simple. I work full time, yet have very little to show for it, I find myself struggling financially more and more as the years roll by. I have cut back on so many things that it now feels I am cutting back on life itself!

How much longer can I survive, and what more can I do without?

It seems to me, that no matter what I do, life is getting more and more ridiculous. We are now [at best] just getting by. My question to myself is: Is this what life is all about? Money and bills?

So, I tighten my belt a little more, cut back once again, some days I have been so skint that the question is do I heat or eat. I can’t afford to do both. Fuck this, this is 2013, and we are living like this!!!

So, the big questions for me is how do I get out of this rut, what can I do, how do I do it, and finally am I strong enough?

My [half a] plan is this:-

1, Sell my house

2, Buy a Motorhome

3, Live in the Motorhome for a year, and still work fulltime

4, Save as much as possible

5, Jack in work, and travel

6, Live a more simple life on the road

It sounds so simple and maybe it is. I won’t know until I try. I will [at this rate] lose the house eventually anyway, so this way, I come out on top, and do what I want to do.

Naturally a life spent travelling will bring its own complications, water and electricity will be short at times, I will have to ration whatever cash I have BUT…I will taste freedom each and every day. No more mortgage, no council tax or water rates… no getting up for work.

I could meditate, walk, take photos, read, write in my blog, spend time doing whatever I feel like and answering to no one!

So, that is kind of my plan. I need to really sit and think about this much more, do some research, and ask myself is this really what I want…  time will tell.

I'm sure this life wouldn't be for everyone, but I have always been on the edge of society, or felt that somehow I don't really 'belong'.
We have to pigeon hole and label everything, so I can do that first. If I do this, I would be called a new age traveller, a title that sits OK with me. I personally think of the word traveller as a Gypsy, so new age traveller suits this lifestyle a little more. I tend to think of it in these terms: Spiritual wanderer or perhaps freedom seeker.

The first step to living the life you want

Is leaving the life you don’t want.

Taking the first step forward

Is always the hardest

But then with each step forward

Gets easier and easier

And each step forward gets

You closer and closer

Until eventually

What had once been invisible

Starts to become visible

And what had once felt impossible

Starts to feel possible.

                                   WHEREVER YOU GO -GO WITH ALL YOUR HEART.

                                                                      Peace  -x-

2, Photos of me...

Looking through some older pics of me, I guess I have never fitted into what is sometimes referred to as the mainstream!

But I turned out OK, in the end....

1, WELCOME!

Welcome friends to the ramblings of Bry, a blog about my life, my thoughts, the lessons I have learn't etc...

So, today's thought is quite simple? WHY? 
Why are we living the way we are, we seem to be fighting to pay bills, struggling to survive, working hard, worrying about the future...Why?

So [March 2013], I am slowly starting to think of a different way of living, living a life rather than feeling forced to comply. At the moment I exist, I don't live. I have been bumping along from month to month, trying to survive this crazy rat race...its not working, for me, for all of us!
So what is next for me.... I have some serious thinking to do.


I hope you will join me, as I walk through this life? Save this blog into your favourites...

Obviously the comments and thoughts contained within this blog of mine are MINE, just spewing the crap out of my head. I am not for one minute thinking that you will agree with everything I say, and I wouldn't expect you to. But, this is my blog, where I will be writing about various topics as time moves on, if you disagree or feel uncomfortable then LEAVE, simple as that.
Saying that, for those that choose to stick around- you might enjoy my ramblings/photos/poems and whatever else I decide to add to this blog.
This is going to be a very slow start, until I figure out how to change the way I am currently living my life, so stick with me and I will update if/when I can. 
Wherever you go- go with all your heart -x-

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Also, please feel free to leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from you. Just click the 'comment' below -thankyou!   Peace  -x-