1st May '15. Photos

1st of May already? Where does the time go?
Ask yourself a question- Where have you been this year...so far?

Be well -x-

28. Spring

28

It is nearly 2 months since my Mum died. I thought I would get over it, but I haven’t. This is not a plea for sympathy, I’m fine, life is good. This is just an observation, a report. Firstly, I miss her, we all do, but that is obvious. I knew one day she would go, one day I would have to deal with this...but I had no idea what to expect.

I guessed though, that the experience would not differ from other violent emotional traumas: first the shock, then a blank aftershock, then the busy period, the pain, disbelief, that constant ache, displacement activity, then perhaps a relapsing into grief. And after that and over many years to come, a slow but steady process of what sensitive people might call ‘healing’ and the rest of us would call getting over it.

Here I am living a few weeks of false-normality. Still numb, but with arrangements of a practical nature to busy myself with. I have had too much to do to mope around. The bungalow clearance seems to be pretty much down to me, I have had help on maybe 10 occasions, which is greatly appreciated. It is hard work, and my back has been killing me, but I plodded on...for Mum.

There’s plenty to fill close relatives days when somebody dies, and hardly time to miss my Mum. Maybe we somehow put it to the back of our minds and just get on with life, forgetting that a quick call or text just might mean the world to someone? I knew that we would all come together to help each other over the initial days of pain and grief... but I also knew that we would very soon just get on with things, go our separate ways, and not bother with each other too much.

The waters had closed over my Mums head and the ripples subsided. I missed her, of course, but from now on, with each day that passed, I would surely miss her a little less. Time heals all wounds, etc. So now, I thought, begins that famous healing process.

I thought wrong. I wake up in the night, missing her. The endless questions... Should I have called the ambulance, could I have called sooner, was there anything more I could have done for my Mum, Should I have organised to take her to the sea side, or out for an evening, was I able to spend more time with her, do more for her, help her more, visited more, called or text more often.... I never told her that I loved her!

I now begin fully to understand, with an intensity that grows, that the world had changed when she died, that there was still a big gap where she had been, and that it was not closing over.

And now, 8 weeks later, I see clearly that it never will. Now never a week passes, or a single day when I do not remember her, see a cloud, flower, star, sunshine, child, dog...anything and everything seems to remind me so much of Mum.  Not only in the night now, but during the day, even at busy times, and at happy times, she enters my imagination, a welcome guest.

Quite simply, she has left a space that will never be filled, therefore she is [paradoxically], still here because the space is still here, and I can feel it all the time. The gap Mum left is not a vacuum, a void, a soft area of low pressure to be filled. The gap is hard-edged, chiselled by her into my life, measured by her worth, and ineradicable. It is a gap that contains memories that I thought I had forgotten.

With this realisation has come another- that this sorrow is not itself a cause for sorrow. Regret is not a cause for regret. We ought to be sorry. We ought to regret. Death is not a ‘wound’ to be ‘healed’ or a ‘scar’ to ‘fade’. Once someone has been in the world, they have always been in the world, and once they have gone their absence will be in the world forever, part of the world, in Mums case part of mine. This is a good thing.

How stupid then, is all this talk of ‘getting over’ death. How empty, how wrong-headed the exhortations we make to those who love us that they should try not to miss us when we’re gone. Why not? You do miss someone you love, don’t you, when they’re gone? How self-negating is the wish that others should not feel sad when they remember us. Of course they should feel sad! They can’t talk to us any more.

It is right that we make an imprint on the minds and lives of others, right that we should be needed while still alive; and therefore right that the imprint remains and the loss hurts, and continues hurting.

So I’ve decided that I don’t want to ‘come to terms’ with Mums death. It’s fucking horrible that she isn’t here. It still cuts me up, and this is a fact of love. I’m perfectly capable of keeping things in proportion, as Mum always did, but I don’t want to ‘get things into perspective’, if by that one means wanting them to grow smaller. It’s a fact, her life is a fact, the gap now is a fact, it’s not getting any smaller... I’m sad, but I’m happy that I’m sad.

This makes us think of our own mortality. Will people think the same questions that I am thinking, when it is my time to shuffle off to the next life? Will they ask if they could have done more...or will they watch my videos and read my blogs, and hear my plea to them to keep in touch? Will they feel guilty, will they try to remember the last time they called or text me?

I remember so much about my Mum. Her last ever spoken word to me was "Thankyou". Her last text to me said 'Very poorly at mo xxx'. Her last card said Thankyou for all you do.
AND ALL THAT BREAKS MY FUCKING HEART.

Even in happy times, it seems to be tinged with a touch of sadness. When I complete a piece of art, I want to show it to my Mum, when I stop and soak up a glorious view, I want to show that to Mum. I want to talk to her, to see her, to smell her, to be with her....

I didn't deserve a Mum like you, and am now full of regrets that I should of and could have done more, to make your life easier.... I love you Mum, I will always love you, and in time as the family fades away... I will still have you. My special, wonderful and inspirational Mum. I feel so blessed that you were my Mum... But I sometimes feel angry, bitter, confused, lonely, desperately sad and often simply numb. Life hurts.

But, I know that it is OK to feel all those things and more. You were in my life through every single breath I ever took, every heart beat and blink of my eyes- I have the right to feel whatever feelings come my way, they are MY feelings.

I hear the well meaning comments of 'she is at peace now' and 'no more pain', or 'she is always with you' etc. But I question whether those left behind will find some peace and feel the pain less....
Obviously death is all part of the cycle, we know that. No one can live forever, but if I had just one wish right now...

ThankYOU Mum -x-x-x

27.RIP Mum

27. RIP MUM

Video tribute

I really have no words. Life just doesn't seem the same now, and the emptiness..........

I wrote the poem below, and [somehow] managed to read it at Mums funeral. I really wanted to as it is my final words to my Mum.
I can't explain how I feel right now... but these words sum most of my thoughts up...... 
It is called 'I'm OK'.

My Mum never forgot a birthday card

even when her life was really hard

she coped with illness in a dignified way

with a simple response of "I'm OK"

The best teacher this earth has ever known

worrying about us all, even though we're fully grown

always making sure we had plenty to eat

and often something special, or a nice little treat

Even when life was cruel, and dealt you another blow

never once did you complain, or even let it show

We asked how you were, every single day

the answer was always the same "I'm OK"

Mum was the glue within the family

always a nice meal and a pot of tea

Thinking of others and never herself

quietly dealing with pain and failing health

A brilliant Mum to Alan, Gillian, Kevin, me and Trevor

It's now quite obvious to us that angels can't live forever

With tearful eyes we watched you slowly fade away

Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay

The kindest and most thoughtful soul, its such a great loss

Now you're dancing in the magic dust, out in the cosmos

The hardest thing I've ever had to do

is say 'Goodbye' now your life is through

So I'll see you in the moon, and on the rainbow too

now every text I get, I'm hoping it's from you

Not only my Mum, but my dearest friend

and it breaks my heart to see it end.

Nothing will make me stop missing you

but the lessons you taught will see me through

When the sunshine warms my face, I shall think of you

or when it snows, or I see a glorious cosmic view

we will all carry you close by our side

you will journey with us all, far and wide

Now we have to move forward, remembering the lessons she taught

and hold on to her memory, and the things she bought.

She was so selfless, she would hate all this fuss

Mum is all around, and inside each of us

You're my guardian angel now Mum, sitting on my shoulder

Whispering your words of wisdom, to use as I get older.

Sometimes I felt we were worlds apart

So much unsaid, now you live in my heart

Part of me died when you went away

I miss you Mum, every single day

You loved all kinds of people, we knew from the very start

with babies and small children being closest to your heart.

Life goes on here, but it will never be the same

we try and help others, and we do it in your name

For if we try really hard, for the rest of our days on earth

Maybe we can come close, to what your life was worth

The most inspirational woman there will ever be

You were MY Mum, and I'm as proud as could be

A fighter, a giver, a great sense of fun,

The greatest gift I ever received is that you were my Mum.

On to other news. My art is really doing well, I am very pleased to say that after all this time, I am actually selling it- loads of it!
Thankyou to anyone who has bought a piece...you are amazing!!!

During the first week of this month, I am going to have a sort out, and add LOADS of art to my eBay. During the last week of this month, there will be some absolute bargains to be had...so keep an eye on my eBay..............   eBay, Ishiart

Many thanks to all who have stuck by me. I love you all -x-

Ishi-art sale here....

So, what will March bring? I am hoping that it will bring me some kind of peace, some sleep and some smiles. I am hoping the bad memories will fade and be replaced by the happier ones. I am hoping for sunshine...and I am hoping to get travelling again asap!
As you can imagine, there is still a lot of sorting out to do, and we have to now clear Mums little bungalow.
I miss my Mums texts, her sparkly eyes, her humour and kindness. I miss her being around, miss her smile, miss chatting to her...I just miss seeing her.
I love you so much Mum -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

26. January/Art/etc

You are born, and you will die. In between, you can do anything you want to do. It's society that creates the rules for us, but we can break out of that anytime we choose... some never will and some have a hard time living how other people think they should live!

Find a way, not an excuse!

You are 100% responsible for yourself, your actions, and the consequences of those actions – no matter if:
1. your behavior is positive, productive, and progressive toward your goals
or
2. your behavior is lazy, limiting, self-sabotaging, and stagnation-laden.

You and you alone must decide when, where, and how to act.
Understand that nobody is coming to rescue you.
No one will (or can) force you into action.
You are responsible for your victories as well as your failures.
Nobody can orchestrate said victories or failures in the first place other than you.

Is it time to wake up and act?????

Well, I missed my usual monthly blog last month- so much going on, and enjoying this life of freedom.

The new[ish] news is that I have my own website www.ishi-art.com 

Here you go........

Facebook art is here.... Ishi-art

I am STILL doing my YouTube videos...  YouTube

and... poetry...

Oh...and eBay!!!  Bry on eBay

Enjoy and be well !!! 

********************************************************
So, my first winter is nearly done, living in a van. Apart from freezing up once, running out of gas once, and being moved on twice [once by the wind, once by security]... it hasn't been a problem at all, I have honestly enjoyed it, probably more that I thought I would. Life is cool.

My Mum turned 81 on 25th Jan, and ended up in hospital a week later, she is still there with very serious breathing difficulties. Bless her... and fingers crossed.

I have been vaping all month- no more smoking [although I would love one!!] 

Be well

satori

If you try to live that which is past, that which IS will bypass you.

If you try to live that which is past, that which IS will bypass you. Don't live the same year 75 times, and call it a life!

In many ways, life is change. We change. Our partners change. Our bodies change. Our goals change. Our circumstances change. Our environment changes. To be precise, all those things are constantly in flux. Sometimes, we go looking for these changes ourselves, but more often than not, they find us.

Dealing with this reality, and reacting to it, is perhaps one the greatest challenges we face. It’s also the key to our happiness, inner peace, and fulfillment. Learning to accept and welcome change is a life long journey. Each experience is an opportunity to explore this further and face our fears and illusions. It is a delicate balance of maintaining our sense of self/self worth and inner strength, letting go of our need for control, surrendering to the wisdom of our hearts, and being present, while also seeing and feeling our paths unfold before and behind us.

As I said, it’s is an ongoing process. We cannot expect ourselves to be flawless and never to feel fear or anxiety or loss or other powerful emotions. In fact, you should experience them. They promote growth. But if we are aware, and through it all, remain at peace.. then all will be well. This peace I am referring to is the true peace – inner peace. It is not flawlessness, lack of emotion, lack of change, or a static state. No. Peace is simply the ability to maintain your sense of self, your core while walking through swirling chaos. It is the ability to maintain your sense of self through change.

To do this, it is helpful to begin to understand change as a cycle. To begin to sense the expanse of the swirling, twisting path that stretches out around us, that constitutes our past, present, and future. Many traditional cultures and beliefs have used a swirl or combination of interconnected swirls to represent life, the spirit world/the material world/etc. We are going to apply that concept here today, and use it to represent our individual journeys.

Since all existence is a reflection of itself, the cycles that we ourselves experience are also represented in nature, or perhaps, one could say it is the other way around. Think of a magnolia. This beautiful tree flowers in the spring. I love seeing it bloom since in my mind it represents new beginnings, and abundance. The magnolia begins its existence as a seed, and then grows. It changes, each season is different. Years go by and it changes again and grows. It blooms in spring, its leaves flourish in the summer, in autumn they fall, and then comes winter. Those seasons make up years. Years make up decades, and entire lifetimes. These lifetimes reflect greater cycles within the ecosystem, and then within the earth itself. It is like a beautiful, layered, swirling pattern, each loop dependent upon the other, each loop continuing on from the other.

The point where one loop, which consists of a series of smaller events or choices, ends and changes to another is where we find ourselves faced with a huge change. This is where the magnolia is plagued by fire, or flooding, or harsh winds. But we differ from the tree in that these changes provide us with an opportunity. The opportunity to choose. Not just to choose our outfit for the day, but to choose which direction that next loop will go, to choose our path. Note that the event marking the end of one loop and the beginning of another will be momentous. In fact, I guarantee that if you reflect on your life right now, you will be able to pinpoint 2-3 situations (or more) that serve as markers for significant directional shifts in your life.

This change, while hinging as I said upon one main choice, will also be characterized by a period of transition that begins prior to the punctuated moment, and continues shortly after. When you reflect back on your past, or your current situation, consider if you are in the middle of a loop – in the middle of a series of decisions and growth stemming from one shift. Or are you nearing the end of a loop – do you feel stagnant, restless, slightly lost? Do you feel like you are searching for greater understanding, or something new? If so, it is likely that you are in the beginning stages of that cycle of change.

If that is the case, take this time to build. Address what it is that you need to work on to resolve or fully benefit from the current situation you are in. Learn. Do the things you always wanted to do. And when life suddenly comes knocking on your door, you will be prepared. Make your decision with conviction, and then expect to settle in for another period of transition – this one more forward oriented, where instead of tying up loose ends, you will be building the foundation for this future you have chosen. Note that this can be a challenging time, and you may feel like you are scrambling up hill. But if you are aware, and conscious of what life has in store, then that preparatory work will seem joyous rather than tedious to you.

Understanding the cyclic nature of change is empowering really, in that we begin to realize that we are truly free to determine our paths. However, it can also be a bit scary in that we inevitably fear making the wrong decision. “What ifs” plague us, and we search for certainty. The thing is, that certainty is not to be had. The control we seek over our circumstances is illusory. The only certainty we will find is that within our knowledge of ourselves, and it is this that we must follow. Know too that even what may seem to be the “wrong” decision is never such. It is simply a different path, a different loop, but also one that will come around full circle to another opportunity for choice. So whatever decision you make, be true, be introspective, and then make it. Do not let fear grip you and paralyze you, because that too is a choice. It is a path. Inaction is action, after all. Nothing is static in this life, we are part of a dynamic environment and journey. All we can do is reflect, and do our utmost to ensure our choices and paths align with our understanding of our selves and our vocations.

Take some time over the next few days to consider your experiences and your story. Start to trace your personal swirl and cycle of change in your mind. Where did  this loop you are in start, how did all the little decisions lead you or pave the way to the larger ones? What events were outside your control, and how did you react? What choices did you make? How did that lead you to where you are now? And most importantly – where are you now? Are you in the middle of a loop, in preparation for a change, or have you just recently been faced with a choice? Where are you going? Reflecting on these questions will give you a better sense of the “meaning” and flow of it all, of this complex thing called life. It will help you to appreciate where you have been, where you are now, and even perhaps provide a glimpse of where you are going, thereby allowing you to more energetically invest yourself in your present situation.

It will also serve as a reminder that you are, quite literally, the creator of your life and the maker of your destiny. You are strong, and capable, so do not cower, or write off the responsibility to others. It is yours, your responsibility, your happiness, your empowerment....and your life. As I KEEP saying in my videos!!

So claim it.

Welcome to the real world. Where you will be judged on what you wear, what you look like, how you act, and your imperfections. Don't live the same year 75 times, and call it a life!

So, this past month we have been wet, we have been cold, been battered by wind, woke to glorious sunrises, seen an owl, got spooked in a graveyard in the dark, said 'be well', had a thick misty/foggy night, seen an amazing sunset, had no electric, parked in new areas, passed my 100th video and my 100 days on the road, been to Somerset, grew my beard, bought a laptop charger that works on my cigarette adapter, got some nice warm winter clothing [and a onesie, for bed!], met lots of people, drifted down into Dorset, waved goodbye to November, got my new Pink Floyd album....and never felt so free and so happy in all my life!!!

My YouTube subscribers went from 140 to 212, which is incredible, I am so happy that people enjoy watching me ramble on!!!

Click this, to see me!!!

Be well, follow your bliss...and thanks to all who are reading this, watching my videos and coming along with me on my journey. I love you all DEEPLY! -x-x

NEW FOREST...amazing place.

24. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives.

October ramblings, what an amazing autumn so far, it is incredible...as it is every year, just this year I am closer to nature, and more connected than ever.
Trees have so much to show and teach us, like how lovely it can be to let the dead things go, blessed Samhain!

May every sunrise bring you hope, may every sunset bring you peace, One thing about this life is having the time to soak up nature and the wonderful sunrises/sunsets of October. I have seen some amazing views, although the camera really doesn't do them justice.
Some people are happy in a 5 star hotel, my 'hotel' has 20 million stars!

This is not about my ego wanting to do something different, It is about living to my full potential, and if I am truly passionate about every aspect of my life, then I know I will realise very easily what I am good at.
I honestly feel that my life has improved 100%, it has taken on a new meaning, and every single day is certainly worth getting up for...finally! Life should not happen in a trickle, it should happen like a flood in you all the time.
Everyone dies, but not everyone lives!

I am still loving this life, and have accepted all the good and bad things, the bad are just little niggles to be honest, the good far outweighs them. Good gets better.
I have an amazing little new memory stick which enables me to upload videos much faster, mostly at the library...I prefer making videos to writing in this blog now, so please keep an eye on my channel... I also have a new wireless wifi modem for the internet- finally!!!

You'll know you've made the right decision when there is peace in your heart. Stop listening to what the world says you should do and start listening to your own heart. There are only a few people in this world who will stay completely true to you, and YOU should be one of them. Listen to your own voice, your own soul, too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves. Deep inside, you know what you want, let no one decide that for you.

My only regret is that I should have done this years ago...... 

93 days of living on the road, and hardly any calls or texts from the family! I also noticed that only 3 of them have subscribed to my YouTube channel- I guess that tells its own story? I also asked them to share the advert for my car, none of them did.
I know sometimes/quite often, my texts are simply ignored, which is a real shame. But they say never be afraid to let go of what wasn't meant to be.
However, I now have over 130 regular YouTube subscribers, which [to me] is amazing that all these people want to watch some silly old hippy banging on about life and rubbish whilst sitting in a van!!! [100th video now uploaded!!]

There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are, keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life? Also remember it is not your job to like me, its mine!

Promise yourself, 
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.

Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s walking in the woods, chatting with friends or spending time with loved ones. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored. Everyone lives, but not everyone lives!

If people don't seem to be want to be part of your journey, simply journey on without them, they will catch up if they want to, if not- keep pushing forwards expanding your life and creating a new horizon.
If people really are too busy to stay in contact, search for new contacts who can stay in touch.

At any time, you can decide to change the road you're on in life, take a new direction, follow a new trail. You are the only one who really knows what you want from life and if you're on the right road for you. We all know just how short life can be, so the time to change or improve your life is right now.
Where were you six months ago, what was your situation like, where did you live and work and what did you do? What about 12 months ago? If you were not fulfilled then, are you fulfilled now, and did you make the necessary changes to bring about a brand new you? If not... I'm sorry, but the next year will be the same, and the next...until you have so many regrets that it is all you have!
Time is slipping by............

Home is where you park it. This time it was Walton hill in Somerset.

Really happy with this album, full of memories...

Click the above for a great little album...

My back and hip are certainly MUCH better now, thanks to 3 weeks of acupuncture, it really is amazing!! The mornings are a struggle, but once I get over the first couple of hours, the rest of the day is much easier!

So, this month saw me and Bodhi in many different places [see youtube], which we have loved, life is great...van life is great, certainly no regrets from me. I only wish that everyone could experience this....   hang on, they CAN!!!!

Your mission: Be so busy loving your life that you have no time for hate, regret or fear. Create your own life and do what is in your heart rather than what is in your mind, choose to be happy and don't worry about lack of contact from those that you thought cared. Move on, enjoy, relax and simply be.

Always stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will always be true to you.

FAMILY: Is there anyone who could take Nan to B&M please? She is still desperate to go and have a look around. Cheers.

My new ink, just a gloriously happy little crow...

Me, in Somerset...loving it!!

Anyway, thats it from me, with new albums by Morrissey and Pink Floyd, I shall be beside myself drifting away on a beautiful cosmic journey, so do not disturb if you see a motorhome with a Buddha on the back and hear very loud music coming from it.....

Be well, follow your bliss, SAMHAIN BLESSINGS, PEACE -x-